Friday, February 29, 2008

Weekends Are Hard!!

Weekends are so hard for me. That was always the time for planning family things to do and now it's just me and Asha. It is really very sad for me and I can't wait for the week to start. I spend all week alone with her and I always looked forward to my husband coming home and having adult conversation.

Friday used to be my favorite day of the week and now I dread it. It's so easy to keep busy during the week but the weekends everyone has family things to do. I feel so lonely. I miss the family time and just doing things with my family even if it was watching a movie atleast we were together. I never had a real good family growing up and we didn't do family things very often so I cherished our family time together.

I loved to watch my husband sleep on the couch while the football game was on, I loved making special treats for him and Dakota, I even loved folding his laundry. There are so many things I miss about having a family.

I hope you are all cherishing yours this weekend because I miss mine.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Mamma D

Well Mamma D e-mailed me back and she is being so wonderful about the whole divorce thing. She said there is no need to apologize, which I did alot of, because she knows we didn't intend on this happening when we adopted Asha. She still loves us all and knows that we will be good parents to Asha. She is so wonderful and so understanding. She said she's not mad at us and that she has no reason to be mad. She said she was confused at first and didn't see it coming. Well no one did including me so I'm happy that I wasn't the only one in the dark.

I also have been e-mailing back and forth with her discussing stopping and seeing her and the kids on our way back from Orlando. My wonderful friend said it was no problem to stop and see them and she's actually excited to meet Mamma D. I hope we can make it all work out and meet at a park so the kids can play and we can visit for a few hours. I wish we had more time than a few hours but we all need to get home too. We will be gone for a week and my cat will need me and my friend's family will definately need her. I think by then Asha will be ready for home too.

On the moving front I still have no idea what I'm doing. I'm not having any luck finding a job in either places or a place to live down by my friend. I'm just scared and don't want to uproot Asha and then mess up or fail and take her with me. I really like where we live but I'm not having any luck finding a job here and it's 3 to 3 1/2 hours from where Asha's dad is moving so that makes it harder on everyone when it comes to visitation. I want all of this to affect Asha as little as possible so if we stay here she has to travel every other weekend 6 to 7 hours. All because her dad moved so far away. I am trying to put my faith in God and let him lead me where I need to go but I am a planner and I'm having a hard time Letting Go and Letting God. I need my life to be settled for my sake and Asha's.

I appreciate everyone's prayers and thoughts. You are all so wonderful to care about me and Asha.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Florida Here We Come!!

I'm soooooooooooooooooo excited!!! A friend of mine has a daughter who auditioned to work at Disney World as one of the characters and she got hired. They are moving her down in a few weeks and have invited Asha and I to come with. My friend doesn't want to drive down by herself since her daughter will be in her own car and my friend is taking her son with who is Asha's age so they can play together. It is going to be sooooooooo much fun!! We get to go to Disney World!!!!!!!!!! I haven't been there since I was probably 9 or 10 I think.

March looks like it's going to be a great month!! I will make sure that I take LOTS of pictures and I will definately share them.

I haven't talked to my friend yet but I am hoping that on the way home we can stop and see Asha's birthmom if at all possible. Just a few hours to spend with her would be nice and for her to see Asha as well.

I just had to share the good news for the day!!!!!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Gymnastics and Other Stuff

Asha and I are doing good. I am throwing around the idea of moving. We will still be in WI but moving a few hours away. A friend of mine really wants me to move down by her and it would take me closer to where I was born and my family so I am really thinking about it. It would also put Asha closer to more African American children which she doesn't have much of in our small town.

I must brag about my girl. She is AMAZING at gymnastics. I wish you all could watch her because she amazes her coach who has been doing this for probably over 10 years. She learned how to do a forward roll after only being shown twice, she did so well on the balance beam that they put down bean bags for her to practice stepping over and she did so well on that that they had her jumping over the bean bags and she didn't even fall off. They couldn't believe her balance. They also raised the bar so she could practice jumping up and flipping since she was doing so well just flipping.

Here she is before class starts just running around and being silly. She likes to copy the older girls who have a class the same time she does.

Here she is supposed to practicing keeping her legs straight. She loves the bars.

Asha is doing pretty well potty training now. She is a stinker though and won't go poo on the potty. She will literally get up off the potty and put her pullup back on and go in it so she knows when she has to go but will not do it in the potty. Any suggestions???

Here are some more pictures of my girl!! Gosh I do love her!!

Another fashion statement from my girl. She really does come up with some interesting outfits.

I love this picture. I got it tonight when she was laying on the couch by me. My camera loves her too.

I love this outfit on her. I had it on her today so I had to snap a picture. I got the shawl for a really good deal. I just couldn't pass it up. She just looks so good in it.

I will try to be better about updating more often. If I am moving though it may be a while because I will need to pack and there is ALOT to pack. I will keep you all updated though on how we are doing and when/if we are moving. THANKS for being supportive of us and offering prayers.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Doing Pretty Good!!

This has been a pretty good week for me. I'm doing better than I thought I would be and I'm really enjoying the time alone with Asha. It's nice to be able to come and go as I please and not have to worry about anyone but me and Asha. I am actually enjoying the freedom I have. I can decorate the house any way I want, I can make what I want for supper, I can watch what I want to watch on tv and the house stays clean alot longer with just the 2 of us. It really has been nice around here this week.

Here are some pictures I've taken of Asha in the last week.

Asha loves to wear her sunglasses on her head. I don't know where she got this from because we don't do that with our glasses.

I love this coy little look she is giving me. She has started to run from me when I get the camera out and when I do actually catch her she tends to give me alot of coy looks.

Here's another look she likes to give me now. She really had lots of fun outside. It took her a while to come out of the garage and play but once she did she didn't want to go back inside.

She is definately my outdoors girl. She loves to be outside and I can't wait for Spring/Summer to roll around so we can go walking again.

Your thoughts and prayers are all so appreciated. I didn't mean for Asha's blog to get depressing but we are doing good and really enjoying eachother. We've actually been staying VERY busy which helps too.


Sunday, February 10, 2008

Thank You!!

I just want to thank you all for the well wishes and the encouragement. I'm actually ALOT better than I was a month ago. Don't get me wrong it is still VERY hard but I'm not an emotional mess like I was. This weekend was hard because Asha spent the night at her dad's house. I was supposed to go out with some friends but the weather got too bad and I didn't want to drive in it so I was all alone at home. I did better than I thought I would but I really missed my little girl.

It was so good to see her when she got home today and she gave me the biggest cuddle/hug. She was very clingy all night and we cuddled on the couch more than normal. She sat with me for atleast an hour and she is a very busy girl and doesn't usually sit that much. She kept asking where her new house was and I had to tell her that this is our house and daddy and brother have a new house that she gets to go and visit.

It's so hard to have to tell that sweet little face such sad news. I never want to make her sad but she does miss her dad and brother and there's nothing I can do about it. She is confused and I know this week is going to be hard on her because she's never gone such a long time without seeing her brother. She is going to be waiting for him to come home from school every day like normal but he's never going to come home. She probably won't see him again now until Friday when I pick him up for an over nighter.

She's already regressed a little in her potty training. She didn't go at all at Josh's house and after he brought her home it took me probably 2 hours to get her to sit on her potty. It just may be too much for her right now which is a shame because she was doing so well this week.

I am trying to hold it together for her. I don't want her to see me cry anymore and to be sad. I am trying to just go day by day and enjoy her.

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers they are GREATLY appreciated.

Friday, February 08, 2008


Well the title says it all. This is why I've been asking for prayers. I found out on Christmas Eve that my husband was cheating on me and that he wanted a seperation. For the last month it has just gotten worse and worse between us and we are now getting a divorce.

The last few days since he's told me he's moving out this weekend we've been getting along better and actually talking about things but divorce is the last thing I want. He does not share my same feelings and no matter what is going to divorce me. I don't think that divorce is right and we could have worked it out in marriage counseling but he did not want to try and there is nothing I can do about that.

I am trying to move on with my life for me and Asha. The hardest part about this all is the promise that is getting broken to Asha's birthmother. She trusted us to give Asha a good stable home and now we have failed her. I am going to do my best to give Asha a good stable home but if her birthmother wanted her to be raised by a single mother she would have kept her.

I am feeling terribly guilty about it even though it's not my fault. I am not the one who cheated and is walking away from my family but I just feel so bad for what it might do to Asha's birthmother. I do feel she has a right to know especially since we are so close. She is like the sister I never had. I just don't ever want her to doubt her decision to place Asha with us.

It's been a really hard month and I'm hoping once my husband and Dakota are moved out that I will be able to move on and be strong for Asha.

Thank you all for your prayers and please keep them coming because I need to find a job to help support Asha and I and I'm sure I will still have hard days. I could use all the prayers and good thoughts I can get.

Friday, February 01, 2008

Still Rough Around Here

Life has not improved much in the last month. It's been really hard around here especially in the last week. I am hanging in there but it's just going to get worse. I'm sure you are all wondering what is going on but I just can't say right now. There are people who can't know yet and I don't know who all really reads my blog. Just know that I still need your continued prayers for my life to take a turn for the better because most days it's been pretty unbearable. Also please pray for the kids because this is really going to affect them and probably not very well. There little lives are about to get turned upside down and I'm doing everything I can to stop it but I don't think I'm going to be successful.

Well on a happier note here are some pictures of Asha from the last few weeks.

Here she is all bundeld up to go sledding. She loved sledding and laughed and screamed all the way down.

Close up of my girl all bundled up. She is just so darn cute!!

Here is Asha's latest fashion statement. We are still trying to potty train and I thought undies would help convince her to go on the potty so she is wearing her winter boots with her undies. She is sooo silly.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, keep them coming.